Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I'm a Little More Than Useless

I spent my entire life believing I was a loser. I didn't really fit in anywhere I went. I felt unwanted, unloved, and undesirable. I thought: "I'm a loser. A pathetic, replaceable loser." The idea of being desired rather than tolerated was entirely inconceivable for me.
I felt more like a loser than ever in the early summer after my sophomore year. I had just barely scraped through a really rough semester. I hadn't done as well academically as I had hoped and I wasn't doing anything useful with my life.  I went to sleep every night filled with regret at wasting another day. I considered my self a waste of space; an oxygen thief. I felt like I was failing at literally every aspect of my life. It then I realized that the only thing I couldn't fail at was reading my Bible. The only time I didn't feel like a loser was when I was sitting with the Word open on my lap. 
Soon after this realization, I was worshiping with some friends. We were singing a song called "How He Loves." I'd heard the song before, but it had never struck me so strongly before. 
He is jealous... for ME? The girl who barely passed chemistry? How He loves... US? The people who do stupid, wicked things every single day? Mid-way through the song I was sobbing because what I'd always believed was impossible was truer than I could ever realize. Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." And John 3:16 says " For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Yeah. God loves us THAT much. So much that He would send His perfect son to die for the imperfect human race. It's CRAZY how much God loves us. I figure that if the Creator of the entire universe loves me more than I could ever imagine, I can't be that much of a loser. I now try (but don't always succeed) to live for God. And when you're living for God, a day hardly seems wasted.

My point is that even if you "act like a loser" and even if you fail everything, HE is jealous for you and loves you more than we can ever know.
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7 comments:

  1. GraceOctober 17, 2012 at 11:46 AM

    Thank you Julia! That was so beautiful and just what I needed. It reminds me of Pastor Jacob's sermons because he always talks about the big scarlet "L" and how God's grace covers over that. Also, I miss you and it was great to see you Friday and Sunday and Monday! <--there, I commented!

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    1. UnknownOctober 17, 2012 at 12:42 PM

      Thank YOU, Grace! I love seeing you so often. I hope it keeps up :)

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  2. UnknownOctober 17, 2012 at 8:05 PM

    I love seeing you through your writing and honesty. This was so well put, and so needing to be said.

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  3. Joshua KaufmannNovember 14, 2012 at 9:01 PM

    Fantastic post, Julia! I know it has been tough, but I'm glad you have come to that point.

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  4. Elisha FrisonNovember 17, 2012 at 5:15 PM

    Julia you are so gifted. I love your honesty and your way with words. I consider myself blessed to have you a part of my life

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  5. KathrynNovember 25, 2012 at 5:25 PM

    Dude, I barely passed chemistry. Like it was my worst grade in high school. I studied no less than eighteen, yes, EIGHTEEN hours for the final exam and still barely made it through alive. True story. Chemistry is the worst of the worst. The bane of my academic existence forever. But an inability to comprehend that impossibly outrageous material does not make one a loser!!! I promise!!!

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  6. Alyssa JoyFebruary 3, 2013 at 12:11 PM

    Julia!!
    I just reread this and loved it even more the second time around :) You inspire me, friend! Love you!!!

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