Let it Go

I was chatting with a friend and she brought up how next time she sees me, she'll be fasting because Lent starts tomorrow. I, of course, was like "Lent? But Christmas was like four days ago!" On the account that I have a skewed sense of time and the fast time, you know, passes, I hadn't even thought about what to fast from until last night. Firstly, I thought of the usual things: sweets? That would be easy. I'm not really a dessert person. Tumblr? Pinterest? Those would be hard to give up. Or I could give up, like, control. In my journal I literally have a list labeled LENT and it contains an array of nouns followed by question marks.
The control thing was a joke at first. Sort of like the "I'm giving up homework for Lent," but the more I thought about it, the more beneficial it seemed. One of my other friends told me "Fasting doesn't have to be something that's bad for you. It's about giving up something that's distracting." My desire for dictatorship over my life and my situations definitely distracts me from following God. I feel the constant need to plan ahead, running future (improbable) scenarios in my head, scheming, over-packing, etc. My plans leave little room for flexibility or trust. They're always centered around me with few chances of surprises, both pleasant and otherwise. Although, the way I'm always clutching at control makes most surprises unpleasant because they weren't in my plan. Is that really a good way to live? So, this Lent, I'm giving up control.
"Um, Julia? How does one give up control for Lent?" Honestly? No idea. And maybe that's the point? Jumping into a hole where I can't see the bottom, I haven't made any lists, and I don't have a game plan. I'm trying to hand the pen and clipboard to the real play maker. (Did I just make a sports reference? Wow. Giving up control already...)
I am not good at going with the flow unless that flow is my stream of consciousness so this will be hard for me and I'll probably slip up. A lot. And maybe wipe out a few times, but I really hope this will be a good opportunity to recenter my life and stop craving power. Please pray for me. If you have any book recommendations or Bible passages you think I should read, please message me or post them as a comment. I need all the help I can get!
As an aside: I will also be giving up Tumblr, Pinterest, and Twitter on the account that I waste like a billion hours on those things. So if I don't reblog your awesome pictures or favorite your tweets until after Easter, that is why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNGvD21u34I
(you thought this blog was going to be about Frozen, didn't you? Nope. Jesus stuff.)

Knees in the Gravel

      When I was a little kid, I got injured like every two seconds. Whether it was going down a slide backwards or sunning into a door frame (whoops that was yesterday), I was (am) always getting hurt. I could blame it on my astigmatism or just accept that I'm chronically clumsy, but some inherent trait is constantly getting me into scrapes. 

      The summer I was six, my family went to Cedar Campus Family Camp for a week. The Week of Bloody Knees for me. I remember stumbling along the gravel roads, clinging to my dad's hand. Gravel roads are a nightmare for clumsy girls and it didn't help that my dad's only mode of transportation is the power walk. I kept tripping. A lot. Every time, my dad would lift me up, set me on a rock, and wrap my knees in red medical tape. When my tripping and flailing were uncontrollable, he carried me. 

       This reminds me of what it's like to "walk" with God. It's no stroll through the garden. His strides are long and smooth over rough roads, while we're six years old, struggling along, falling constantly, and sometimes bruised in places we don't remember bumping.We will fall. We'll always fall, but He will always pick us up, clean our wounds, and bandage our knees. He'll even carry us.

      My dad is a great dad. I wish he could be everyone's father; he's that wonderful. He isn't perfect, but that's okay because I have two fathers. One of them is perfect and can be everyone's father.

      The road is harsh and your legs will never be long enough to keep up, but He has your hand. And when it's more than you can handle, God breaks out the piggy back. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

Rings and Things

A while ago, I came across a very interesting article discussing purity rings and the statement "true love waits." To sum up, the girl writing the article said she stopped wearing her purity ring bearing the phrase "true love waits. She did this because we shouldn't be waiting around for a love and for a husband, but actively perusing God on our own because His love is the greatest reward. (Here's the link. I think it's worth a read: http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/). I really appreciate this article and followed suit by removing my own ring which I honestly always felt was a little cheesy anyway. I've never really considered sexual impurity as a problem for me, but recently I started wearing my purity ring again. This isn't because I find myself overwhelmed with lust, but because I find myself constantly giving way to crude joking. It's honestly really embarrassing, but especially with the media and being on a college campus, innuendo has become a big part of my sense of humor. And sometimes it's not even innuendo, but blatantly sexual humor. It makes me feel unladylike, gross, tasteless, and awkward. Also, stupid, like I'm not clever enough to come up with a joke more classy than sex. So I've started wearing my ring again: not for the phrase "true love waits," but as a reminder to prevent myself from saying ugly things and to keep my thoughts and words pure.

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Bad things happen. Really awful, horrific, dreadful, traumatic, disgusting, depressing things happen ALL the time.  I often struggle with this: thinking about the world and why so many terrible things happen and why God lets them happen and this is what I tell myself:

It sucks. Life doesn't make sense. It's hard right now and you're not always going to understand, but there's a plan in this and a reason and purpose behind the pain. There's something worth living for and something worth dying for. There's beauty in the world even in the pain. It will all make sense someday. Don't stop hoping. (That's the big one.) DON'T STOP HOPING. 

The name of my blog is Joie de Vivre (zjwha-da-veeve) which is "joy of life" in French.

Joie de vivre is not necessarily connected to having an easy life where only good things happen to you. I think joie de vivre is about finding the joy in the midst of the suffering. It feels impossible, but the joy is there. In James 1:2-3 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." I know, right? I read that and I was like "why do I care about perseverance? I'm upset. Why can't you just give me joy without testing my faith?" But it continues in verse 4 with "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Not lacking anything. I think that when life is easy, it means you're missing something. Something about getting through a hard time makes you so much stronger and fuller. You sure? Because right now I feel weak and broken and empty. I think it's kind of like going to the gym for the first time in awhile and you try lifting heavy weights. Unless you're one of those fit lifting-lovers, lifting weights is miserable. And the next day your muscles are sore and ache-y and you feel like crap and you never want to lift weights again. (I'll just do the elliptical next time.) But for some crazy reason, you end up lifting weights again. And you hate it. But eventually you get stronger and you find yourself able to lift more weight. Sometimes it takes a really long time for it to get easier, but eventually the pain is over and you're the strongest you've ever been. (And I'm sorry for using the cheesiest analogy ever, but I think it's the closest I can get to the truth.)
If life is easy, you're not living to the fullest. If you're in pain, there's something better coming. I promise. But more importantly, God promises He will not inflict pain without allowing something new to be born. Stick it out. It may seem impossible, but I'd hate for anyone to miss out on the beauty to come because they can't persevere through the present pain. It gets better. I know everyone says that, but it really does and it might take awhile. It's worth it though. 
My prayer is that God will grant us all enough wisdom to find the joy in the pain and enough perseverance to get to the peace He promises. And that we remember He's always going to be there to help us through. 

I'm a Little More Than Useless

I spent my entire life believing I was a loser. I didn't really fit in anywhere I went. I felt unwanted, unloved, and undesirable. I thought: "I'm a loser. A pathetic, replaceable loser." The idea of being desired rather than tolerated was entirely inconceivable for me.
I felt more like a loser than ever in the early summer after my sophomore year. I had just barely scraped through a really rough semester. I hadn't done as well academically as I had hoped and I wasn't doing anything useful with my life.  I went to sleep every night filled with regret at wasting another day. I considered my self a waste of space; an oxygen thief. I felt like I was failing at literally every aspect of my life. It then I realized that the only thing I couldn't fail at was reading my Bible. The only time I didn't feel like a loser was when I was sitting with the Word open on my lap. 
Soon after this realization, I was worshiping with some friends. We were singing a song called "How He Loves." I'd heard the song before, but it had never struck me so strongly before. 

He is jealous... for ME? The girl who barely passed chemistry? How He loves... US? The people who do stupid, wicked things every single day? Mid-way through the song I was sobbing because what I'd always believed was impossible was truer than I could ever realize. Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." And John 3:16 says " For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Yeah. God loves us THAT much. So much that He would send His perfect son to die for the imperfect human race. It's CRAZY how much God loves us. I figure that if the Creator of the entire universe loves me more than I could ever imagine, I can't be that much of a loser. I now try (but don't always succeed) to live for God. And when you're living for God, a day hardly seems wasted.

My point is that even if you "act like a loser" and even if you fail everything, HE is jealous for you and loves you more than we can ever know.

With a heavy heart, but Hope for the Future

This week, we lost a beautiful, kind, loving, talented, funny, and important young woman. It's strange how it's so easy to take someone for granted. Even people who did not know her well were touched by her life and devastated by her death. She brought so much joy into the hearts of others that it's hard to imagine there was so little joy in her own. Her Facebook wall is absolutely flooded with posts of love, prayers, encouragement, and sadness. I think everyone feels some guilt and a lot of regret. So many people, including me, wish we would have told her how she affected us and how she was so special and full of potential. I wish I could have told her how strong and brave she was; how she could get through anything life threw at her. I wish I would have told her that and I wish she could have believed me. But regrets don't help anyone. I think one of the best things we can do to honor Faith and her memory is to lift up and encourage others. I feel like we miss out on chances to say important things because we're scared or we think it will be awkward or we just don't think about it. But wouldn't we rather risk an awkward conversation to tell someone something we love about them then risk losing a precious life? I think the only person who didn't believe Faith was an incredibly rare and beautiful human being was Faith. We all get so tied up in our own selfish agendas that we let people slip through the cracks. So please, just take a moment to think about the people in your life and everything truly amazing about them. Then tell them. Be it your best friend, your parents, or a stranger, just let them know. Every person is so important in God's intricate plan. No one is worthless and life is too short and too beautiful to leave words unsaid. So please, go out and live life in joy, encouraging others and bringing glory to God, in honor of Faith.